People say i am incredible. People say that any person should feel priveledged to be out with me. People say i am interesting. People say i am pretty. People say i am smart. People say i am funny. People say i am well rounded. People say i will go far. People say iam envied. People say i am super cool.  People say a lot of things to me about me.

Sometimes i think people think i need to hear these things. I have not been on a date in over a year where the guy afterwards has not texted me almost immediatly afterwards. That being said....how do things go wrong? Sometimes me, sometimes him but all in all it is usually the guy which disappears. Disappears after telling me how much fun he had;  How great i am! So great that a week later he has lost interest. I am just that good.
 

Recently, I have hit a brick wall. Suddenly, i have no idea what i want to do with my life. I mean for over a year now i have been making plans:this, that, and the other. But i find myself not knowing. I wanted to do Public Relations. I still do- i think? But i would prefer to get a business degree because you can use that in any job....b/c they are all businesses. But the classes are awful. I want to write. But some of the classes seem so plain. If i take human sexuality...which i am taking...i would be four classes away from a minor in psych...so why not? I already looked into it and that would also fulfill my 3 classes which are supposed to be outside of the business school (check). I think that is what i am going to do. Why not? Granted i have been ranting and raving about my minor in journalism b/c i love writing so much- but let's be honest you do not need to take a class to learn how to write. I mean it can help you improve but that is why we have editors.

So it suddenly dawned on me that i have been having issues because i am upset with my love life. Or not really upset because to be honest most of the time it does not really go through my mind. It is distressing to know that the general public has issues with my love life. I mean seriously IT IS EVERYWHERE! Everyone asks "how is school? How are your jobs? Oh you still doing two jobs! So do you have a boyfriend?". They ask as though that is one of the requirements to make someone approve my life style or more so for their approval in general. YES I AM A BIG DYKE BECAUSE I HAVE NO ONE TO LOVE! I love myself! I love loving myself. I mean don't get me wrong i would love to love someone. But i don't need to be constantly reminded of my failure in love. THANKS! I feel even my parents think i am lacking in the love department. I mean i am. Everyone is right. but that does not mean i am not happy. If anything the constant reminder i am alone is worse THAN ACTUALLY BEING ALONE! And i mean part of me just wants to face it no guy will be what i want- i refuse to settle. And it makes me wonder what is the point of school if i am not going to have a family. That sounds kind of crazy but there are so many things i would like to do and experience and the only thing which keeps me back is wanting to have a family when i am older. But when i really think about it.....i do not think i will have one. That sounds sad... but people are too normal for me. I like a degree of normalcy but i have so many quirks that i think it would take a hell of a guy to deal with my oxymoronic personality.

I was talking to my oldest sister about life and she suddenly said to me "It must be awful being smart, successful, and beautiful"

"Why?"

"You will never meet someone who is equal in worth to you"

"Why would you say that?"

"People like you are dying out"

"Why would you say that?"

"Because people are far too intimidated to make your aquaintance."

That is not exactly how the convo went...but pretty close. I never even thought of things like that.